Mother Identity
“We grow our capacity to operate masterfully by first gaining a true sense of the self we are living in.”
This blog post is the third in a six-part series I’ll be doing that traces my personal journey through the MotherBLOOM program. To learn more about MotherBLOOM, click here.
During matrescence, in this period of transition from woman to mother, the values and stories we’ve held onto our entire lives begin to shift and change. By connecting with the values that have held priority for you your whole life, and understanding those that have changed, you can find grounding for your ego and identity and discover your true self.
The Ego
Our identity is another way of saying our ego. The ego is grounded in the stories we tell about who we are as an individual person; from what job we have, to what kind of food we eat, to our favorite color. Having an identity, or an ego, is not the problem; the problem lies in over-identifying with that ego so much that we become unable to see that our truest self is separate from the external identities we present to the world.
It’s a common practice in yoga and many other spiritual practices to be called to “release the ego.” This is not a call to let go of all of your worldly possessions or release any claim to relationships, nothing that extreme. It’s a practice in recognizing that the stories we consciously tell about ourselves are not the complete story. Learning how to release the ego means learning how to ride the inevitable shifts to identity throughout meaningful life transitions.
During a major life transition, have you ever asked yourself things like: “Who am I now? What is meaningful to me? What am I here for? What do I really want out of life? What’s the point of it all?” This is a signal that you are undergoing a massive shift in your identity. When we feel a loss of identity, we are feeling a loss because it is extremely uncomfortable for the ego to be asked to change.
I felt this when I left my career in order to follow my husband's cross-country promotion. I’d spent years cultivating an identity around being a successful working mother, embracing my career in commercial furniture and interior design. When I no longer had that career, I spent a few months in a really anxious state. I couldn’t understand why I felt like I had no purpose in life anymore as a stay-at-home mom; wasn’t everyone around me telling me that I had the hardest and most meaningful job in the world? So why did I feel so invisible to society, like my voice had disappeared, and I was no longer making any contribution?
Values
This discomfort and anxiety stemmed from the fact that a core part of my identity was grasping onto this idea that having a successful career was important, or a high value. When my values began shifting, my ego was thrown into high alert. “Career” was no longer a top value of mine, but “Family” as a value was shifting into a more prominent spot.
When your values start to shift, and you begin to question your identity, it can be a beautiful and yet uneasy space to be in. The power of motherhood is that it calls you into this space over and over again. With the birth of each child, and at each child’s progressive life stage, you are asked to reevaluate your values, let go of what is no longer serving you and embrace new directions.
What Values Are Truly Important To You?
How can you tell what values are truly important to you? I recently reviewed the values exercise I do with my clients in MotherBLOOM and there were a few values that had shifted in priority, some that had dropped off completely and some that were new. “Family: to have a happy, loving family” remains one of my top values. “Leisure: to take time to relax and enjoy” actually dropped off my list. To be honest, I think I had it on there because I really WANTED leisure to be a value. I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who can nap in the hammock on a Saturday afternoon. But as I grow in my own self-knowledge and self-acceptance, I’ve come to embrace the fact that while I might claim to want leisure in my life, none of my actions are aligned with that. I take on projects that support some of my other values, like Creativity, Knowledge or Purpose, and I do this instead of carving out time for Leisure. I still make time to relax and play with my kids (Family), have date nights with my husband (Family and Sexuality), do yoga or meditation (Health and Spirituality) and even read books (Knowledge).
Your values show you where your growth is, your abundance is and your purpose is. Do you know what I replaced Leisure with? “Pleasure: to feel good.” To me, feeling pleasure is just more important in my life right now than having leisure. This is growth for me. Pleasure was not on my top values list a year ago, but I desire to cultivate more pleasure now, and I’ve also come to understand that pleasure is my birthright. I am allowed to want pleasure in my life, in fact I deserve pleasure.
Teaching Your Children
Teaching your children to recognize and honor their top values is another lesson in motherhood. This is, in fact, one of my favorite parts about mothering. When I am conscious about the values that I am hoping to impart onto my children, I am typically more present and behave in a way that is more in alignment with my own values. For example, if I start to feel guilty about the amount of time my children have spent in front of a screen, that’s a signal that something is not in line with my values, and I can lean into that guilt and discomfort to do better. Maybe I revisit Health as a value, and suggest that we all turn off the TV and put down the devices to go for a walk. Or I tap into my desire for Creativity and break out the art supplies. Or even embrace the screen time but suggest we watch a family movie together and cuddle on the couch.
Once you’ve taken the time to identify your top values, it becomes easier to live your life in alignment with them. This is when you feel grounded and secure in your true identity; no longer are you living your life in ways that protect the ego you’ve created for yourself. Instead, you are living your life in a way that feels truest to you.