Is your sense of self defined by how others see you?

Do you get caught up in how others see you? Worried that you’ll be judged as a person based on some external characteristic? What are the aspects of your personality that you may keep hidden, or tempered, because you fear it doesn’t match what people think of you?

I’m your typical extrovert. I thrive on contact with other people, I talk my thoughts out loud, I can make friends with a perfect stranger in the grocery store. But being so outwardly focused is not without its challenges. I make quick assumptions about how I think other people see me, and I tend to place far too much emphasis on their judgement. 

For so long I had prided myself on the value I felt I was contributing to society. I was an independent career woman who dressed well, had a nice house, husband and three (reasonably) well-behaved children. Everything that defined my sense of self was external. 

When I left my career to move across the country and become a stay-at-home mom, I felt a powerful loss of identity. Everything I had liked about myself was what I had seen reflected back to me. It was very hard to simply sit quietly and be ME. I started to question “Who am I, really? Why do I always need to be so busy? Why am I sad so often, even when outwardly my life seems great? What do I actually want out of life?” I needed to learn how to reconnect with my authentic self, but first I had to identify who that self was.

With a regular meditation practice and far less distraction in my life, I started to sit with myself more easily. I began to see I had adopted certain personality traits in order to find success in my career and personal relationships. I recognized where past criticism had caused me to shut down aspects of myself. Doing work to understand my top values helped tremendously; I started to feel I was able to live a more meaningful life when my actions were in alignment with the things I value most. 

Of course, I am still uncovering and identifying my samskaras, the memories and patterns in my past that form my relationship to the present. With practice I’m able to identify when I start to adopt a sense of self that isn’t truly ME but is based on a need to please the others around me. And with even MORE practice I’m able to stand in my truth and be content to speak and act in accordance with my values.