Musings on Depression

All this social distancing I’m doing in my home has given me a lot of time to think. (Too much time, frankly. I definitely need to get out of my head more.) My latest musing revolves around my depression. I was diagnosed with depression seven years ago and anxiety two years ago. I’ve been off and on different medication and I’m currently on Wellbutrin. It keeps me sane and it keeps me safe. It doesn’t numb me like some of the other medication I’ve taken, it just prevents me from the downward spirals my mind likes to take. 

There’s been a big push in the last few years to normalize mental health issues. I am grateful for that, as I had a lot of shame for a long time about needing to be medicated. I grew up believing that depression was a chemical imbalance in the brain. That the default human setting was “Not Depressed” and therefore being “Depressed” meant I was somehow less than, or broken. Even if it wasn’t my fault. 

But what if I’m not broken? What if the world around us is broken and those of us who are depressed and anxious are really just looking around saying “What the fuck is going on here?” How could anyone NOT be depressed with the doomsday climate change news, stories from the border of little children being kept from their parents, young black men being gunned down by the very people who are supposed to protect us and half our country so misogynistic they’re willing to vote for that man and then pretend it had something to do with emails? Not to mention a global pandemic. Of COURSE so many of us depressed and anxious. We’re trapped in our houses, surrounded by our blinding consumerism, bereft of real relationships with other people and completely disconnected from the Earth and nature.

I’m most definitely not a healthcare professional and am certainly not suggesting that there’s not a medical reason behind a diagnosis of depression or anxiety. I will continue taking my medication every day (take your meds, people.) I want to be well so that I can fight for a better world for my children. But it was an awakening to consider that maybe it’s not just an imbalance in my brain. Maybe that’s what kicked it off, or put me in a position to be affected more deeply. Maybe those of us who are more sad, more anxious, more sensitive than we’re supposed to be are actually just more observant?