A Toolkit For Mothering

The amazing thing about motherhood is the fact that the shining moments that make you feel like you’re doing it right often come after the hurt and fury and despair that you’re doing it all wrong. 

This week has been full of big emotions for the kids. My ten year old in particular had a very rough day yesterday. Toward the end of the day, I came downstairs to see how he was doing finishing up his homework. I watched him as he sat dejectedly in front of the computer, his shoulders hunched and his mouth grimly set.

I sat across from him and he sobbed and screamed at me that he hates everything. My heart was aching and my head was racing - what do I SAY? What am I supposed to DO? I can’t fix this. I can’t even tell him when it’s going to get better. 

I grounded myself first with an internal dialogue. “Deep breaths now. Place your feet firmly on the ground and hands firmly on your lap. You can’t offer compassion and empathy if you’re shaking and upset. What’s showing up for you? Remember this for later, this is the work. But for now, make sure you’re in a safe place and then bring him with you.” I let him see me bring myself back into balance, so that I could help balance him. 

I focused on his top values. Friendship, achievement, play. “You’re right. Everything sucks. You miss your friends. Literally everything you’re doing for school right now is homework. No one here can play football with you the way you want. This SUCKS. Being this angry is totally normal and okay.” His eyes still shone with fury at me. 

I shared with him my own frustration and fear from a place of vulnerability. “I was angry today walking Cooper and I didn’t even know why. I miss my friends. I’m homesick for family. I’m really sad about Buddha (our sweet old family dog) dying. We are having a tough week as a family.”

And eventually I could see his body soften. As the rage dissipated, I helped him past the anger with some movement as we interlaced fingers and gently pushed against each other. I cracked a dumb joke and he glared at me. I cracked another one and he laughed. We bantered about silly things for a few minutes and then I traded places with him and helped him finish his science worksheets. 

On our way upstairs he leaned against me and I put my arm around his shoulders. He likely won’t remember this specific moment. But for me it was a moment where I felt like I really did my job as a mother. 

Parenting through this period has been a most challenging time. And it’s also given the most opportunities for personal growth and to help my children expand. I want them to come out of this experience with a greater understanding of how to identify the emotions inside, and to have a ready toolkit of techniques to address them. I’ll be here to show them how.