Sober as a Mother: Choosing Sobriety…Because Alcohol is a Tool of the Patriarchy

Addiction is one of the most pressing social justice issues of our time. And human beings are literally wired for it.

Image description: Dark black-and-white close-up image of a glass of wine being poured.

Alcohol consumption, whether part of active addiction or habit, has become ingrained in motherhood as a right, a tool, and a numbing agent. Instead of supporting the way people cope with stress or anxiety, or difficulties, alcohol numbs us to our very greatness.

As of this blog’s publish date, I have been sober(ish - more on that later) for 22 months. Did I stop drinking because I had “a problem?” Well yes, but not in the way you might think. I had a problem with alcohol because I was getting so discouraged about the alcohol industry’s targeting of mothers, and I didn’t like the hold it had on me.

Alcohol is a tool of the patriarchy. And Mama, you don’t need it.

Here’s what we know:

  1. Doctors prescribe addictive substances with little to no training on addiction.

  2. White people now profit off marijuana while Black people languish in jail for owning small amounts, or are prevented from voting or getting jobs when released. 

  3. We’re conditioned to talk about “addicts and alcoholics” as a monolith of troubled people or even criminals, not as sick and vulnerable individuals who need mental and physical healthcare.

  4. The connection between alcohol and rape culture still demonizes women for wearing short skirts and warns them to cover their drinks while letting men off the hook.

  5. The alcohol industry delivers calculating, deliberate, and highly successful marketing to women and mothers as “mommy juice.”

Image description: Mother holds a bottle of wine while hugging her young daughter in their living room.

It’s absolutely about women and men alike drinking too much alcohol, keeping us from being ourselves. From taking responsibility. From acting toward justice, equity, and compassion.

Remember: patriarchy as a system doesn’t only hurt women - it hurts men, too.

A Brief History of Alcohol’s Recent Popularity

Alcohol is ethanol. It's rocket fuel. 

We now know that there is no amount of cigarette smoking that is "good" for us, but for some reason (cough - marketing - cough), we still believe we can drink rocket fuel, and it's not a problem. 

We're told that there are normal or “social” drinkers and there are alcoholics, and for "normal" drinkers, alcohol is super fun, and might even be good for you! And much like cigarettes in the 50s and 60s, alcohol is increasingly being marketed specifically to women (and mothers) to sell more. Women now drink as much alcohol as men, and they’re at greater risk for hangovers, blackouts, liver disease, alcohol-induced cardiovascular diseases and certain cancers.  

Ever since the 2016 election, many people have been in a constant state of outrage, fear, despair, or just general unease. So we drink to cope. To numb out for just a minute. To buy us an evening where we don’t have to worry about anything. 

Big Alcohol has successfully marketed alcohol as something that represents fun, freedom, independence, cool-ness, and power, and we drink it to FEEL like we embody those things. 

But it's bullshit. 

Alcohol does not make us more fun, free, cool, or powerful...in fact, it's making us sicker and more tired, anxious, depressed, and less willing or able to raise our fists and burn the fucking system to the ground. 

THAT’S how it’s a tool of the patriarchy.

My Story of Alcohol Abuse - And Why I Quit Drinking

“Sobriety, if it is anything, is paying attention, seeing the wonder and the beauty around us that we so easily sprint by on our way to the next thing. And this is more than fun; this is actually living.” - Holly Whitaker

I grew up in AA meetings. I can recite the Serenity Prayer by heart. “Keep coming back; it works!” is part of my DNA.

My mother started attending when I was 8 years old, while I’d read quietly in the corner listening to people who’d stand and say, “Hi, I’m so and so, and I’m an alcoholic.” But even as I grew up and was drinking daily, I never felt like an alcoholic myself. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? We’ve created this dichotomy - you’re either an alcoholic who has a problem, or you’re not. 

Except alcohol wasn’t serving me anymore. Every time I drank, I’d be more irritable with the kids, wake up with puffy eyes because I slept horribly, or eat the entire bag of veggie straws by myself. 

None of these things were dangerous or putting me in harm's way (largely, I believe, due to my class and race privileges; I was never at risk of being in an unsafe situation). I never blacked out or did something I couldn’t remember because of alcohol. I’ve never received a DUI.

Was I doing great? Nope. Did I attribute my challenges to alcohol? Also, nope. None of my issues with alcohol were life-threatening, just…not great. 

I didn’t have a “problem” with alcohol, but it wasn’t doing anything good in my life.

When I picked up the book Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker, it was like a bolt of lightning. I immediately resonated with her messaging about alcohol as a tool of patriarchy, capitalism, and white supremacy, and that you didn’t need to be an “alcoholic” to realize that alcohol is still a problem.

I used to enjoy drinking. I associated the pop of a champagne bottle with celebration, the clink of red wine glasses with date night, and the warmth spreading over my shoulders with relaxation. These are all nice things! 

But I don’t enjoy being duped by marketing geared specifically toward getting women to drink more alcohol. I despise the message that “moms need alcohol to get through motherhood.” 

I don’t like realizing that I’m willingly ingesting a neurotoxin that exacerbates my depression. And when the buzz of relaxation wears off, I feel irritable, impatient, sluggish, and usually have a headache. These are not nice things. 

I knew I wanted to take a  break, so I spent most of 2020 trying to find new and different associations, so I don’t always turn to alcohol. One bright spot of the pandemic was being unable to travel or dine out so that I wasn’t faced with the social temptations to drink! (Going out with friends, fancy date night, or a vacation on the beach are all my Achilles heels when it comes to staying sober).

I had my last official alcoholic drink on December 26, 2020. 

Even after two full years sober, I still feel like I’m not ready to say “never again.” (Which is just another indication of the hold alcohol has on us culturally, right?!)  Since I officially chose to stop drinking, I’ve had two alcoholic drinks - one with my best friend during a trip to New York City, and another with a group of friends on the beach. And if I ever go to Italy, you’d better believe I’ll drink wine as my husband and I relax on our villa patio. I now see alcohol as a cherry on top of those very special, once-in-a-lifetime occasions. If you’re only drinking once or twice a year, you’ll definitely remember the occasion! 

Over the last (nearly) two years, I’ve so enjoyed many nights and weekends that would normally have included alcohol but didn’t. I’ve gotten better sleep, snapped at my kids less, and even felt a little smug about rising above the marketing message that would have me buy another bottle of rosé. 

Resources

If you struggle with addiction or alcohol abuse, you are not the problem. Below is a list of resources that can help:

I am not an addiction professional, or any kind of health professional; I’m just a mom of three kids who decided she was done with alcohol. If you want to chat about your own relationship with alcohol, I’d love to hear from you; reach out through the Contact page, or subscribe to my newsletter so we can get in touch.

Susie Fishleder