Embracing Change: How to manage transitions with kids - and for yourself
“We resist transition not because we can’t accept the change, but because we can’t accept letting go of that piece of ourselves that we have to give up when and because the situation has changed.”
It’s back-to-school season, and all the stores know it! We’re bombarded with messages to make sure we prepare our students for their first day by buying all the right clothes, supplies, lunch boxes, and more. Don’t get me wrong; I love a crisp, new notebook as much as the next person.
But is that all our children need to adjust to the change?
How do we help our children through these and other transitions? And for that matter, how do we help ourselves?
The Role of Transitions in Conscious Mothering
Nothing’s constant except change, right?
Our lives are full of transitions. But what does that mean?
A transition is simply a change in state, from one state of being to another. Of course, it’s not that simple. Transitions may or may not be permanent. Some of these are planned well in advance, like going back to school or getting married. Some of them are quite unexpected, like the sudden loss of a job or a global pandemic.
Transitions also vary in scope and impact. Sometimes, a tough transition is as simple as a terrible haircut (bangs can be a big mistake). Sometimes, a transition can change the course of your entire life in a weighty and complex way, such as the loss of a loved one.
There are also seasonal and cyclical transitions. People who menstruate experience a roughly weekly transition between the different phases of their cycle. The seasons each transition into one another. Even falling asleep and waking up could be considered a transition.
If we all have to live with transitions, we should be prepared for them.
Conscious mothering means mothering intentionally; by thoughtfully preparing and planning for how to handle transitions, you are not only making them easier for you and your children, but you’re also teaching them how to skillfully navigate how to manage transitions and changes they will face throughout their lives.
How to Manage Transitions
Let’s face it. Sudden, unexpected transitions can be challenging, even if they are generally positive, especially when you’re a kid. Big changes with far-reaching consequences can be especially hard. But with some planning and preparation, we can set the stage for easier and smoother changes when they do happen.
1. Expect and make room for the fact that big change brings big emotions.
Otherwise known as “feel your feelings!”
Your emotions during transitions don’t need to be avoided, shamed, or controlled. They are to be expected. And if we expect them, we can prepare for them.
The skill is in navigating transition so that you are able to sit with all of the feelings and emotions that it brings up while also not letting it wreck your life. And there’s a balance between feeling the feelings and letting them swallow you whole. On the other hand, it can be dangerous to push down all of the feelings, pretending that they’re not there and forging ahead with your day as though this major life transition isn’t affecting you in some way.
Instead, do some pre-work to search for this balance when managing your emotions during a transition.
What do you or your child need to be supported during big emotions? Do you need community? Text or call a friend to let them know how you’re feeling, or schedule a playdate or time with another child.
Do you need to move your body? Schedule a yoga class or turn on some loud music and dance together.
Do you need space and time to cry? If you are parenting with a partner, ask them to take the kids to a playground so you can let the emotions move through you freely, without feeling like you need to constrain yourself. Although, if you are able to process the emotions safely in front of your family, you are teaching them that it’s okay to be sad and that emotions are healthy and manageable.
2. Remember the Basics
Everything is harder when you don’t have your physical needs met. Are you hungry? Do you need a drink of water? Are you too hot or too cold? Have you had enough sleep? Taking care of your physical needs first will help you manage transitions better. If you're hungry and tired, your undergarments are too tight, and your clothes are too itchy, it’s going to be so much harder to manage even the smallest transition.
This is even more important for young children. Remember that they are more likely to get thrown off if something is affecting their physical comfort. And their growing brains can only handle so much at one time. Ask any seasoned parent what their child is like on the Friday after the first week of school and they will likely have stories of exhausted, wired, anxious children having complete meltdowns.
Myself, I like to check in on my wellness indicators from time to time. The 7 Dimensions of Wellness from MindBody is a helpful article with useful examples:
“While the concept of "wellness" often revolves around physical and mental wellbeing, wellness experts understand that there's much more to it than that. There are seven key dimensions of wellness that contribute to overall health and quality of life: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual, Environmental, Social, Occupational.”
When these holistic dimensions of wellness are properly managed and maintained, and when everyone is fed and well-rested, it’s much easier to live in balance and harmony during change.
3. Stick to Rituals, Celebrations, and Routines.
Rituals are a way to mark the end of one period of time and the beginning of another period. Because transitions can be messy, they might not always have a clear demarcation. A ritual gives you a way to experience the closure of one period and assists us with embracing the new period.
Western culture often lacks a distinct practice of using ritual and ceremony to mark transitions. We do have some; a wedding is an easy place to find many rituals and traditions that celebrate the transition from single to married. But most rituals do not need to be as elaborate (or expensive!) as a wedding.
For example, a morning routine can mark the transition from sleep to wakefulness. Brunch with fellow mothers following drop-off on the first day of school would be a lovely ceremony to both celebrate and mourn the event in the company of friends.
You can even have a ceremony to properly mark a transition from your past that you feel wasn’t celebrated enough. I experienced my menarche (my first menstrual bleed) when I was 13 years old. My mother was kind and helpful; she made sure I knew that it meant I could now get pregnant and that I needed to carry pads and tampons with me. But that was it. There was no ceremony or ritual to mark this momentous transition from child to woman.
Years later, during a Circle of Womanhood retreat I attended, we all stood in a large circle and shared our menarche stories. After each person shared their story, the rest of the group vocally celebrated them. When it was my turn, I felt so held and nurtured by this incredible community, all of whom had been strangers before the retreat. This ceremony, although it happened over twenty years after my menarche, was deeply healing and nourishing for me as I was able to celebrate this life-altering transition.
Conclusion
Transitions and change are inevitable. But with thoughtful planning, we can prepare ourselves for even the most life-changing events in our life. By allowing ourselves to feel every emotion, taking care of our body and all dimensions of wellness, and invoking a ritual or ceremony to mark the transition, we can handle transitions with ease and grace.